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There was widespread anger across the country yesterday after a Government memo detailing plans to make large scale redundancies in the suffering puppet sector was leaked to a national news agency.
The source of the leak has apparently been identified as Lord Peter Mandelson, Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform. "Mandy", as he is affectionately known, had accidentally dropped the memo on Hampstead Heath as he enjoyed a "practice" late-night dogwalk without his dog.
The source of the leak has apparently been identified as Lord Peter Mandelson, Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform. "Mandy", as he is affectionately known, had accidentally dropped the memo on Hampstead Heath as he enjoyed a "practice" late-night dogwalk without his dog.
The news of the redundancy proposal closely follows the recent taxpayer-funded bail out of both Punch and Judy. Since the controversial Punch refinancing plans were made public, puppets' shareprices have nosedived and rumours abound within the city that struggling Sooty will be next.
Affected puppets, who have been widely condemned for their role in the economic collapse, will discover their fate over the next few days and all are likely to receive pensions similar in size to the former RBS boss Fred “Shredder, Leader of the Footclan” Goodwin.
The outpouring of public resentment towards the proposal comes at a bad time for the government who are desperately trying to convince a sceptical nation that they are tackling the global recession and rapid rise in unemployment through prudent investment.
In the memo, addressed to Chancellor Alistair Darling, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith writes “The reckless gambling on risk based performance by these guardians of the economy has unquestionably, and quite possibly irreparably, damaged national fiscal confidence. Time to string up these f*ckers proper.”
The aggressive tone of the memo has been criticised by a spokespuppet for PAPES (Puppet Association for Prevention of Extremist Solutions), “Politicians such as Jacqui Smith and Alastair Darling should consider their own roles in the recession before pointing their fingers up puppets, the majority of whom have acted responsibly throughout this uniquely challenging period. As a group we will continue to perform in these harrowing conditions and the show, most certainly, will go on."
Sooty and Soo were both unavailable for commment at the time of going to press, though Sweep was spotted in the Cayman Islands as he boarded his 90ft yacht "Mo Money, Mo B*tches". He insisted, "Sooty, Soo and I have always and will continue to conduct ourselves in an appropriate and entirely legal manner. His [Sooty's] balance sheet is in perfect order. Don't you vultures have anything more important to report on - how's Jade f***ing Goody doing?".
Affected puppets, who have been widely condemned for their role in the economic collapse, will discover their fate over the next few days and all are likely to receive pensions similar in size to the former RBS boss Fred “Shredder, Leader of the Footclan” Goodwin.
The outpouring of public resentment towards the proposal comes at a bad time for the government who are desperately trying to convince a sceptical nation that they are tackling the global recession and rapid rise in unemployment through prudent investment.
In the memo, addressed to Chancellor Alistair Darling, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith writes “The reckless gambling on risk based performance by these guardians of the economy has unquestionably, and quite possibly irreparably, damaged national fiscal confidence. Time to string up these f*ckers proper.”
The aggressive tone of the memo has been criticised by a spokespuppet for PAPES (Puppet Association for Prevention of Extremist Solutions), “Politicians such as Jacqui Smith and Alastair Darling should consider their own roles in the recession before pointing their fingers up puppets, the majority of whom have acted responsibly throughout this uniquely challenging period. As a group we will continue to perform in these harrowing conditions and the show, most certainly, will go on."
Sooty and Soo were both unavailable for commment at the time of going to press, though Sweep was spotted in the Cayman Islands as he boarded his 90ft yacht "Mo Money, Mo B*tches". He insisted, "Sooty, Soo and I have always and will continue to conduct ourselves in an appropriate and entirely legal manner. His [Sooty's] balance sheet is in perfect order. Don't you vultures have anything more important to report on - how's Jade f***ing Goody doing?".
Phillustrious Schofield
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