re:Port - Cancer Patients to Sell Cigarettes

In a renewed effort to deter people from smoking the government has decreed that cigarettes will now only be available for purchase from patients in cancer wards.

‘We had to face facts,‘ explained Secretary of State for Health, Alan Johnson. ‘The written warnings on the packets did not work. The graphic images did not work. We kept increasing our efforts but smokers just weren’t frightened enough of dying a horrific death.’

According to the new regulations, small ‘tuck-shop’ style tables will be set up next patients’ beds, on which a selection of cigarettes, cigars and other tobacco-related products will be laid out and available for purchase. Those near to death or with visible smoking-related deformities will be given the actual task of selling – to increase the chances of shocking customers into breakdown - while less severe cases will be responsible for more technical tasks such as money-counting and stock-taking.

“Research indicates that these new measures will help us to mentally scar many more smokers than ever before,’ said Johnson. ‘We obviously haven’t been putting in the effort required up until now – if they’re not crying, then we’re not trying.’

Bling Crosby

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