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Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
re:Port - Breaking News: G20 Summit Postponed Following ANOTHER Cancellation
Reports in the press that tomorrow's G20 summit is to be postponed following multiple sudden cancellations were this afternoon confirmed by a G20 spokesperson. The summit, held annually for the world's 20 biggest and most renowned Gs, has been shrouded in yet further controversy following confirmation of another cancellation.
(OG Big "Dogg" McGraw)In the last few hours it has been confirmed that OG Big "Dogg" McGraw has pulled out of the event scheduled to take place in London on Thursday 2nd of April. Citing reasons of "thuggin'" and "hustlin'", McGraw flew back to his native Compton this morning where he is to urgently resume the game.
His withdrawal comes hot on the heels of Tony "T-Bomb" Juarez's controversial expunction last week following the highly publicised dispute over crack import regulation with Don Emilio "Four Fingers and a Thumb" De La Grotte. Sources close to De La Grotte allege that Juarez refused to soften his position regarding item 3.2 on the agenda - the right to freely import crack. Juarez is a well know staunch advocate of laissez-faire who argues that less regulations and market restrictions would improve the global flow of crack in these times of economic uncertainty.
His withdrawal comes hot on the heels of Tony "T-Bomb" Juarez's controversial expunction last week following the highly publicised dispute over crack import regulation with Don Emilio "Four Fingers and a Thumb" De La Grotte. Sources close to De La Grotte allege that Juarez refused to soften his position regarding item 3.2 on the agenda - the right to freely import crack. Juarez is a well know staunch advocate of laissez-faire who argues that less regulations and market restrictions would improve the global flow of crack in these times of economic uncertainty.
The ideological clash with De La Grotte, himself something of a crack game legend, has been a dark stormcloud brewing on the gangsta-political horizon ever since Don Emilio was named as Chairman of iCrack, the International crack trade regulatory watchdog.
With the spotlight of the world's media pointed squarely in the face of the G20 alliance, the big question is where this leaves the remaining 18 Gs currently on location in London. The international instability caused by the cancellations and the chaotic aftermath has led many commentators to brand the summit as "a public relations exercise with no discernible affect on everyday Thug Life".
With the spotlight of the world's media pointed squarely in the face of the G20 alliance, the big question is where this leaves the remaining 18 Gs currently on location in London. The international instability caused by the cancellations and the chaotic aftermath has led many commentators to brand the summit as "a public relations exercise with no discernible affect on everyday Thug Life".
Rumours that C-Boy, the successful krunk-hop star, was due to fill Juarez's place were widely ridiculed with one board level G, who refused to be named, openly questioning his "hoodtegrity".
re:Spectacle will continue to bring you the latest news on this story as it develops.
Philliustrious Schofieldre:Spectacle will continue to bring you the latest news on this story as it develops.
(click to see more re:Ports)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
re:Port - Guantanamo Bay to Become Holiday Resort
Guantanamo Bay has been purchased by Richard Branson, who has plans to turn it into the world’s première holiday resort.“It’s a fantastic opportunity,” explained the squirrel-faced entrepreneur, “it’s already a world-famous brand, located in secluded hotspot with a private beach and fantastic weather - it practically markets itself.”
As part of a deal with the U.S. government, prisoners still awaiting trial when the resort opens will be offered reduced sentences in exchange for serving martinis, taking aerobics classes and giving massages.
A number of the original cells will be kept underground for staff caught swearing or planning terrorist attacks on western nations. Terrorist attacks on other nations are likely to be encouraged, although this has been denied.
Reports that Branson has further plans to open a number of five-star ‘Ausch-Villas’ on the site of Auschwitz are as yet unconfirmed.
Bling Crobsy
Sunday, March 29, 2009
re:Live - WINNING, For Losers
Let’s face it: you’re pretty sh*t aren’t you?
Every single day it’s the same.
If you’re not weeping into a pot noodle then you’re trying to pretend that your dad’s sperm wouldn’t have been better used as glue.
If you’re not cutting corners then you’re trying desperately to cut your limp, lifeless wrists.
But you can’t even do that right, can you?
No, obviously not, because you’re reading this now. Freak.
But hang on!
Sit yourself down, dry your eyes and put a thoroughly undeserved smile on your irresponsibly repulsive face for just one second.
As we all know, life is about WINNING. And you’re only WINNING when you’re regularly setting fire to more cash than Africa needs and having sex with A-List celebs coz there’s f*ck all on Sky.
I know, I know - you are not even close to achieving either of these things. But don’t head for the pot noodle just yet.
re:Spectacle is here to offer the kind of advice that you just cant get from any of those other, slightly less repulsive freaks you want to believe are your ‘friends’.
If you want to start out on the long road to WINNING, then we strongly suggest you follow our lead as closely as you can.
Tune back in later this week to see Step 1 and who knows?
You might even develop enough strength in those wrists to finish the job properly.
Bling Crosby
Every single day it’s the same.
If you’re not weeping into a pot noodle then you’re trying to pretend that your dad’s sperm wouldn’t have been better used as glue.
If you’re not cutting corners then you’re trying desperately to cut your limp, lifeless wrists.
But you can’t even do that right, can you?
No, obviously not, because you’re reading this now. Freak.
But hang on!
Sit yourself down, dry your eyes and put a thoroughly undeserved smile on your irresponsibly repulsive face for just one second.
As we all know, life is about WINNING. And you’re only WINNING when you’re regularly setting fire to more cash than Africa needs and having sex with A-List celebs coz there’s f*ck all on Sky.
I know, I know - you are not even close to achieving either of these things. But don’t head for the pot noodle just yet.
re:Spectacle is here to offer the kind of advice that you just cant get from any of those other, slightly less repulsive freaks you want to believe are your ‘friends’.
If you want to start out on the long road to WINNING, then we strongly suggest you follow our lead as closely as you can.
Tune back in later this week to see Step 1 and who knows?
You might even develop enough strength in those wrists to finish the job properly.
Bling Crosby
Saturday, March 28, 2009
re:Port - Public Outrage at Leaked Puppet Redundancy Proposal
There was widespread anger across the country yesterday after a Government memo detailing plans to make large scale redundancies in the suffering puppet sector was leaked to a national news agency.
The source of the leak has apparently been identified as Lord Peter Mandelson, Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform. "Mandy", as he is affectionately known, had accidentally dropped the memo on Hampstead Heath as he enjoyed a "practice" late-night dogwalk without his dog.
The source of the leak has apparently been identified as Lord Peter Mandelson, Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform. "Mandy", as he is affectionately known, had accidentally dropped the memo on Hampstead Heath as he enjoyed a "practice" late-night dogwalk without his dog.
The news of the redundancy proposal closely follows the recent taxpayer-funded bail out of both Punch and Judy. Since the controversial Punch refinancing plans were made public, puppets' shareprices have nosedived and rumours abound within the city that struggling Sooty will be next.
Affected puppets, who have been widely condemned for their role in the economic collapse, will discover their fate over the next few days and all are likely to receive pensions similar in size to the former RBS boss Fred “Shredder, Leader of the Footclan” Goodwin.
The outpouring of public resentment towards the proposal comes at a bad time for the government who are desperately trying to convince a sceptical nation that they are tackling the global recession and rapid rise in unemployment through prudent investment.
In the memo, addressed to Chancellor Alistair Darling, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith writes “The reckless gambling on risk based performance by these guardians of the economy has unquestionably, and quite possibly irreparably, damaged national fiscal confidence. Time to string up these f*ckers proper.”
The aggressive tone of the memo has been criticised by a spokespuppet for PAPES (Puppet Association for Prevention of Extremist Solutions), “Politicians such as Jacqui Smith and Alastair Darling should consider their own roles in the recession before pointing their fingers up puppets, the majority of whom have acted responsibly throughout this uniquely challenging period. As a group we will continue to perform in these harrowing conditions and the show, most certainly, will go on."
Sooty and Soo were both unavailable for commment at the time of going to press, though Sweep was spotted in the Cayman Islands as he boarded his 90ft yacht "Mo Money, Mo B*tches". He insisted, "Sooty, Soo and I have always and will continue to conduct ourselves in an appropriate and entirely legal manner. His [Sooty's] balance sheet is in perfect order. Don't you vultures have anything more important to report on - how's Jade f***ing Goody doing?".
Affected puppets, who have been widely condemned for their role in the economic collapse, will discover their fate over the next few days and all are likely to receive pensions similar in size to the former RBS boss Fred “Shredder, Leader of the Footclan” Goodwin.
The outpouring of public resentment towards the proposal comes at a bad time for the government who are desperately trying to convince a sceptical nation that they are tackling the global recession and rapid rise in unemployment through prudent investment.
In the memo, addressed to Chancellor Alistair Darling, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith writes “The reckless gambling on risk based performance by these guardians of the economy has unquestionably, and quite possibly irreparably, damaged national fiscal confidence. Time to string up these f*ckers proper.”
The aggressive tone of the memo has been criticised by a spokespuppet for PAPES (Puppet Association for Prevention of Extremist Solutions), “Politicians such as Jacqui Smith and Alastair Darling should consider their own roles in the recession before pointing their fingers up puppets, the majority of whom have acted responsibly throughout this uniquely challenging period. As a group we will continue to perform in these harrowing conditions and the show, most certainly, will go on."
Sooty and Soo were both unavailable for commment at the time of going to press, though Sweep was spotted in the Cayman Islands as he boarded his 90ft yacht "Mo Money, Mo B*tches". He insisted, "Sooty, Soo and I have always and will continue to conduct ourselves in an appropriate and entirely legal manner. His [Sooty's] balance sheet is in perfect order. Don't you vultures have anything more important to report on - how's Jade f***ing Goody doing?".
Phillustrious Schofield
Friday, March 27, 2009
Cathys Through Time - Part 2. Cathy Moriarty
Blonde hair love, yeah? Two arms AND two legs, yeah? Eyes, nose, mouth and that, yeah?
Boring…
…is what you might think on first glance of this here human. But Cathy Moriarty has not only been in nuff films, but one you’ll only have bloody seen. Raging Bull, int it? You know, that one with the people doing the things and the there’s that plot and it’s all based around that one guy who looks just like himself.
And get this hit of high-grade mind-bumming…
She were only in f**king neighbours and all!
But yeah, two arms AND two legs. Boring…
Verdict:
Legs – 2
Arms – 2
Famous Films – 1
Neighbours – Become Good Friends
Jon Bon Jovial
(click for more Cathys Through Time)
…is what you might think on first glance of this here human. But Cathy Moriarty has not only been in nuff films, but one you’ll only have bloody seen. Raging Bull, int it? You know, that one with the people doing the things and the there’s that plot and it’s all based around that one guy who looks just like himself.
And get this hit of high-grade mind-bumming…
She were only in f**king neighbours and all!
But yeah, two arms AND two legs. Boring…
Verdict:
Legs – 2
Arms – 2
Famous Films – 1
Neighbours – Become Good Friends
Jon Bon Jovial
(click for more Cathys Through Time)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
re:Visit - Darfur: The Noo’ European Capital Of Coo’!
A press release from the EU Coo' Commission has today confirmed that bookies' favourite Darfur has been crowned as the "European Capital of Coo’".
It’s a double coup for Darfur - which beat outsiders Islamabad and Basra to the title - coming in the same week that the Janjaweed came first in the Sunday Times' renowned “100 Best Militias to Die For” supplement.
(CNN cover the post-victory celebrations in Darfur)
Unsurprisingly, the odds on Darfur to pick up the "Holy Trinity" by scooping the gold at "The Despotic Regime of the Decade Awards" in Norwich next week have been slashed to 11/2. Should special guest presenter (and incumbent title holder) Bobby Mugabe elect Darfur it would cap a truly incredible period for the region, as it will become only the third winner to take home the treble this century, following in the legendary footsteps of Hitler's Nazi Germany and re:Spectacle fave Serbia’s own Slobby M.
As you dun best already know, the tastemongers here at re:Spectacle are light years ahead of the establishment game and we've been tipping Sudan as THE summer hotspot for the past 4 years! And, more importantly, we've also supported the scene through our co-sponsorship of the Ethnic Dutty Festival alongside AK –The Home of the 47.com.
So keep your specs condensation-free as the ‘09 line up is about to be revealed, and rumours abound that there will be a very special blast from the past. (Exclusive weapons only deals available through http://www.ak-thehomeofthe47.com/ - quote "re:spec11" on booking to claim 50 free mud-hut piercing bullets.)
For those who’ve been slacking, here’s a quick run through of the where to be seen to be coo’ when you head to Africa’s most banging province…
Where to eat and drink:
Options are slightly limited by widespread famine at the moment, but there is a cracking little well slightly off the beaten track in DF212. There are very few tourists here so the atmosphere is incredible, and if you’re lucky you might just catch an acoustic set from local legends the Tahat Kahunas.
Where to stay:
The Red Cross have a fantastic selection of tents on the Western province catering for all budgets.
What to do:
For the more culturally minded, Darfur offers plenty of highly authentic kidnapping programmes. However, due to their authenticity these events can vary quite dramatically in both quality and price, although the payment - or 'release fee' as it is often referred to by the hundred or so kidnap operators in the area - can usually be negotiated part way through the experience. A word of note however: most operators do not accept credit cards or traveller's cheques, although loss of life is usually taken as payment in full.
Verdict:
Tyranny - 7/10
Ethnic Tension - 8/10
Water Parks – 2/10
Excoo'siveness - 9/10
Phillustrious Schofield
(click to see more re:Visit)
Suburban Dictionary
"Queuedini/s"
A phrase used to complement an individual's/group's queueing style.
e.g. "Gosh! Ever since he moved back to Henley, Anthony has become a real queuedini. Such poise!"
(click for more Suburban Dictionary)
A phrase used to complement an individual's/group's queueing style.
e.g. "Gosh! Ever since he moved back to Henley, Anthony has become a real queuedini. Such poise!"
(click for more Suburban Dictionary)
Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)
(No. 999,984)
Top 100 Reasons Why She Left Me, For God's Sake She Left Me With Nothing And Now I Have Nothing
Top 100 Reasons Why She Left Me, For God's Sake She Left Me With Nothing And Now I Have Nothing
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
re:Member - re:Spectacle Children’s Challenge Page - 1932 Edition
If you are nuff old, and were not killed in either World War I or II, you may remember that re:Spectacle first appeared in telegraph format in the early 1900s.
We were as coo’ back then as we are today – if a little less adept at kicking the f*ck out of the goddamn system – and we were always on hand (or wire - ed.) to show the yoots of the day how to drunkenly drive the Harley of life well over the limit.
Therefore, as a special treat for those both young and old, we have sneakily dipped our blinging digits into the archives and pulled out a real corker from the ‘1932 re:Spectacle Annual’.
Lucky you.
Feast your oily spheres on this:
re:Spectacle Children’s Challenge Page - 1932 Edition
Hullo there children!
Here is yet another annual selection of challenges for you to enjoy. Always ask your parent’s permission before performing any of the challenges on this page. Many of the objects involved are difficult to handle and you may lose a finger.
Remember the golden rule: safety first, fun second!
Five Fantastic Forages for Sunny Times
1.
See if you can collect two different types of soil. Put them in a jar and compare the colours. I think the results will surprise you!We were as coo’ back then as we are today – if a little less adept at kicking the f*ck out of the goddamn system – and we were always on hand (or wire - ed.) to show the yoots of the day how to drunkenly drive the Harley of life well over the limit.
Therefore, as a special treat for those both young and old, we have sneakily dipped our blinging digits into the archives and pulled out a real corker from the ‘1932 re:Spectacle Annual’.
Lucky you.
Feast your oily spheres on this:
re:Spectacle Children’s Challenge Page - 1932 Edition
Hullo there children!
Here is yet another annual selection of challenges for you to enjoy. Always ask your parent’s permission before performing any of the challenges on this page. Many of the objects involved are difficult to handle and you may lose a finger.
Remember the golden rule: safety first, fun second!
Five Fantastic Forages for Sunny Times
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Eight Exciting Escapades for Rainy Days
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Bling Crosby
True as F*ck
Did you know that...
...a planned big screen version of ‘Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat’ was halted partway through production because the director had decided to film in black and white ‘for artistic reasons’?
...a planned big screen version of ‘Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat’ was halted partway through production because the director had decided to film in black and white ‘for artistic reasons’?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
re:Port - Madame Tussaud's Reveal Keanu Reeves 'Model' Is Actually The Real Life Reeves
Madame Tussaud’s have today revealed that their Keanu Reeves ‘waxwork model’ is in fact the man himself. Reeves, of ‘Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey’ fame, has been living in the main hall for over a year, and appears to have become very accustomed to life at Tussaud’s.A spokesman for the popular tourist attraction had this to say:
"We always wanted to have a model of Keanu in Tussaud's so we flew him over from L.A. - where he was filming 'Matrix 4: Infinity+1' - to discuss some ideas. When he arrived he was really enthusiastic, and started to show us some of his world famous acting in the main hall. It suddenly dawned on us that we wouldn't even need a waxwork model. Keanu was just so dead. So lifeless. It was amazing."
"Keanu has been living with us now for sixteen months. He seems perfectly happy just performing all the time. Sometimes we wait until we close and arrange some of the other actors around him so that he can really get into character."
"He gets along well with the Lawrence Fishbourne we made for him, and it may be too early to say but I think he's dating the waxwork Beyonce Knowles. He's smiling all the time - I think he's finally found his home."
Reeves may be content but his fans have reacted to the news with a mixture of anger and bemusement. One baffled Reeves fanatic said “was he not already made of wax?”
Reeves may be content but his fans have reacted to the news with a mixture of anger and bemusement. One baffled Reeves fanatic said “was he not already made of wax?”
Bling Crosby
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