Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,979)
Top 100 Gay Homophobes

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Monday, March 30, 2009

re:Port - Guantanamo Bay to Become Holiday Resort

Guantanamo Bay has been purchased by Richard Branson, who has plans to turn it into the world’s première holiday resort.

“It’s a fantastic opportunity,” explained the squirrel-faced entrepreneur, “it’s already a world-famous brand, located in secluded hotspot with a private beach and fantastic weather - it practically markets itself.”

As part of a deal with the U.S. government, prisoners still awaiting trial when the resort opens will be offered reduced sentences in exchange for serving martinis, taking aerobics classes and giving massages.

A number of the original cells will be kept underground for staff caught swearing or planning terrorist attacks on western nations. Terrorist attacks on other nations are likely to be encouraged, although this has been denied.

Reports that Branson has further plans to open a number of five-star ‘Ausch-Villas’ on the site of Auschwitz are as yet unconfirmed.

Bling Crobsy

One Second Interview - Lizo Mzimba











re:Spectacle: Hi, how are you doing?

Lizo: I'm alright

(click for more One Second Interviews)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,980)
Top 100 Blurred License Plates On Google Streetview

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Sunday, March 29, 2009

re:Live - WINNING, For Losers



















Let’s face it: you’re pretty sh*t aren’t you?

Every single day it’s the same.

If you’re not weeping into a pot noodle then you’re trying to pretend that your dad’s sperm wouldn’t have been better used as glue.

If you’re not cutting corners then you’re trying desperately to cut your limp, lifeless wrists.

But you can’t even do that right, can you?

No, obviously not, because you’re reading this now. Freak.

But hang on!

Sit yourself down, dry your eyes and put a thoroughly undeserved smile on your irresponsibly repulsive face for just one second.

As we all know, life is about WINNING. And you’re only WINNING when you’re regularly setting fire to more cash than Africa needs and having sex with A-List celebs coz there’s f*ck all on Sky.

I know, I know - you are not even close to achieving either of these things. But don’t head for the pot noodle just yet.

re:Spectacle is here to offer the kind of advice that you just cant get from any of those other, slightly less repulsive freaks you want to believe are your ‘friends’.

If you want to start out on the long road to WINNING, then we strongly suggest you follow our lead as closely as you can.

Tune back in later this week to see Step 1 and who knows?

You might even develop enough strength in those wrists to finish the job properly.

Bling Crosby

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,981)
Top 100 Insignificant 'Star Trek' Character Deaths

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Saturday, March 28, 2009

re:Port - Public Outrage at Leaked Puppet Redundancy Proposal

There was widespread anger across the country yesterday after a Government memo detailing plans to make large scale redundancies in the suffering puppet sector was leaked to a national news agency.

The source of the leak has apparently been identified as Lord Peter Mandelson, Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform. "Mandy", as he is affectionately known, had accidentally dropped the memo on Hampstead Heath as he enjoyed a "practice" late-night dogwalk without his dog.


The news of the redundancy proposal closely follows the recent taxpayer-funded bail out of both Punch and Judy. Since the controversial Punch refinancing plans were made public, puppets' shareprices have nosedived and rumours abound within the city that struggling Sooty will be next.

Affected puppets, who have been widely condemned for their role in the economic collapse, will discover their fate over the next few days and all are likely to receive pensions similar in size to the former RBS boss Fred “Shredder, Leader of the Footclan” Goodwin.

The outpouring of public resentment towards the proposal comes at a bad time for the government who are desperately trying to convince a sceptical nation that they are tackling the global recession and rapid rise in unemployment through prudent investment.

In the memo, addressed to Chancellor Alistair Darling, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith writes “The reckless gambling on risk based performance by these guardians of the economy has unquestionably, and quite possibly irreparably, damaged national fiscal confidence. Time to string up these f*ckers proper.”

The aggressive tone of the memo has been criticised by a spokespuppet for PAPES (Puppet Association for Prevention of Extremist Solutions), “Politicians such as Jacqui Smith and Alastair Darling should consider their own roles in the recession before pointing their fingers up puppets, the majority of whom have acted responsibly throughout this uniquely challenging period. As a group we will continue to perform in these harrowing conditions and the show, most certainly, will go on."

Sooty and Soo were both unavailable for commment at the time of going to press, though Sweep was spotted in the Cayman Islands as he boarded his 90ft yacht "Mo Money, Mo B*tches". He insisted, "Sooty, Soo and I have always and will continue to conduct ourselves in an appropriate and entirely legal manner. His [Sooty's] balance sheet is in perfect order. Don't you vultures have anything more important to report on - how's Jade f***ing Goody doing?".

Phillustrious Schofield

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,982)
Top 100 Completely Forgotten Somethingorothers

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Friday, March 27, 2009

Cathys Through Time - Part 2. Cathy Moriarty
















Blonde hair love, yeah? Two arms AND two legs, yeah? Eyes, nose, mouth and that, yeah?

Boring…

…is what you might think on first glance of this here human. But Cathy Moriarty has not only been in nuff films, but one you’ll only have bloody seen. Raging Bull, int it? You know, that one with the people doing the things and the there’s that plot and it’s all based around that one guy who looks just like himself.

And get this hit of high-grade mind-bumming…

She were only in f**king neighbours and all!

But yeah, two arms AND two legs. Boring…

Verdict:

Legs – 2

Arms – 2

Famous Films – 1

Neighbours – Become Good Friends

Jon Bon Jovial

(click for more Cathys Through Time)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,983)
Top 100 Wives Of Solomon

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Thursday, March 26, 2009

re:Visit - Darfur: The Noo’ European Capital Of Coo’!

A press release from the EU Coo' Commission has today confirmed that bookies' favourite Darfur has been crowned as the "European Capital of Coo’".

It’s a double coup for Darfur - which beat outsiders Islamabad and Basra to the title - coming in the same week that the Janjaweed came first in the Sunday Times' renowned “100 Best Militias to Die For” supplement.


(CNN cover the post-victory celebrations in Darfur)

Unsurprisingly, the odds on Darfur to pick up the "Holy Trinity" by scooping the gold at "The Despotic Regime of the Decade Awards" in Norwich next week have been slashed to 11/2. Should special guest presenter (and incumbent title holder) Bobby Mugabe elect Darfur it would cap a truly incredible period for the region, as it will become only the third winner to take home the treble this century, following in the legendary footsteps of Hitler's Nazi Germany and re:Spectacle fave Serbia’s own Slobby M.

As you dun best already know, the tastemongers here at re:Spectacle are light years ahead of the establishment game and we've been tipping Sudan as THE summer hotspot for the past 4 years! And, more importantly, we've also supported the scene through our co-sponsorship of the Ethnic Dutty Festival alongside AK –The Home of the 47.com.

So keep your specs condensation-free as the ‘09 line up is about to be revealed, and rumours abound that there will be a very special blast from the past. (Exclusive weapons only deals available through http://www.ak-thehomeofthe47.com/ - quote "re:spec11" on booking to claim 50 free mud-hut piercing bullets.)

For those who’ve been slacking, here’s a quick run through of the where to be seen to be coo’ when you head to Africa’s most banging province…

Where to eat and drink:

Options are slightly limited by widespread famine at the moment, but there is a cracking little well slightly off the beaten track in DF212. There are very few tourists here so the atmosphere is incredible, and if you’re lucky you might just catch an acoustic set from local legends the Tahat Kahunas.

Where to stay:

The Red Cross have a fantastic selection of tents on the Western province catering for all budgets.

What to do:

For the more culturally minded, Darfur offers plenty of highly authentic kidnapping programmes. However, due to their authenticity these events can vary quite dramatically in both quality and price, although the payment - or 'release fee' as it is often referred to by the hundred or so kidnap operators in the area - can usually be negotiated part way through the experience. A word of note however: most operators do not accept credit cards or traveller's cheques, although loss of life is usually taken as payment in full.

Verdict:

Tyranny - 7/10

Ethnic Tension - 8/10

Water Parks – 2/10

Excoo'siveness - 9/10

Phillustrious Schofield

(click to see more re:Visit)

Suburban Dictionary

"Queuedini/s"

A phrase used to complement an individual's/group's queueing style.

e.g. "Gosh! Ever since he moved back to Henley, Anthony has become a real queuedini. Such poise!"

(click for more Suburban Dictionary)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,984)
Top 100 Reasons Why She Left Me, For God's Sake She Left Me With Nothing And Now I Have Nothing

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

re:Member - re:Spectacle Children’s Challenge Page - 1932 Edition

If you are nuff old, and were not killed in either World War I or II, you may remember that re:Spectacle first appeared in telegraph format in the early 1900s.

We were as coo’ back then as we are today – if a little less adept at kicking the f*ck out of the goddamn system – and we were always on hand (or wire - ed.) to show the yoots of the day how to drunkenly drive the Harley of life well over the limit.

Therefore, as a special treat for those both young and old, we have sneakily dipped our blinging digits into the archives and pulled out a real corker from the ‘1932 re:Spectacle Annual’.

Lucky you.

Feast your oily spheres on this:



re:Spectacle Children’s Challenge Page - 1932 Edition


Hullo there children!

Here is yet another annual selection of challenges for you to enjoy. Always ask your parent’s permission before performing any of the challenges on this page. Many of the objects involved are difficult to handle and you may lose a finger.

Remember the golden rule: safety first, fun second!

Five Fantastic Forages for Sunny Times

1.
See if you can collect two different types of soil. Put them in a jar and compare the colours. I think the results will surprise you!

2.
Find a stick and lay it out on the ground, being careful not to bruise your hands.

3.
Bend down near a babbling brook. How many cups worth of water do you think you can see?

4.
Bring a measuring stick with you (get your parents to make sure it is blunt) and see if you can find the longest piece of grass in the field.

5.
Lie flat on the ground and hold a leaf in the air. Now you’re a seed!


Eight Exciting Escapades for Rainy Days

1.
Spend an hour breathing through your nose instead of your mouth.

2.
See how many spoons you can fit in Nanny’s drawer. I managed 6!

3.
Drop some buttons on floor. How fast can you pick them back up?

4.
Try and remember the colour of every set of curtains in the house. No cheating!

5.
Cover the table with a secure cloth and draw around Daddy’s pipe on a piece of paper.

6.
See how upset you can make the servants by hiding their children. For an added extra, try and get them beaten for complaining. They are funny aren’t they? Look at them weep!

7.
Find a cupboard that you have never seen before and take a look inside. Write down two things that you find.

8.
If you stand very, very still you can pretend to be a fence. To make it even more exciting you can tilt forwards and backwards a little as if there is a breeze. (Don’t move too much though, remember the golden rule!)

Bling Crosby

True as F*ck

Did you know that...

...a planned big screen version of ‘Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat’ was halted partway through production because the director had decided to film in black and white ‘for artistic reasons’?

(click for more True as F*ck)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,985)
Top 100 Whole Number Percentages

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

re:Port - Madame Tussaud's Reveal Keanu Reeves 'Model' Is Actually The Real Life Reeves

Madame Tussaud’s have today revealed that their Keanu Reeves ‘waxwork model’ is in fact the man himself. Reeves, of ‘Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey’ fame, has been living in the main hall for over a year, and appears to have become very accustomed to life at Tussaud’s.

A spokesman for the popular tourist attraction had this to say:

"We always wanted to have a model of Keanu in Tussaud's so we flew him over from L.A. - where he was filming 'Matrix 4: Infinity+1' - to discuss some ideas. When he arrived he was really enthusiastic, and started to show us some of his world famous acting in the main hall. It suddenly dawned on us that we wouldn't even need a waxwork model. Keanu was just so dead. So lifeless. It was amazing."

"Keanu has been living with us now for sixteen months. He seems perfectly happy just performing all the time. Sometimes we wait until we close and arrange some of the other actors around him so that he can really get into character."


"He gets along well with the Lawrence Fishbourne we made for him, and it may be too early to say but I think he's dating the waxwork Beyonce Knowles. He's smiling all the time - I think he's finally found his home."

Reeves may be content but his fans have reacted to the news with a mixture of anger and bemusement. One baffled Reeves fanatic said “was he not already made of wax?”

Bling Crosby

One Second Interview - Scatman John














re:Spectacle: Hi, how are you doing?

Scatman John: I'm alright

(click for more One Second Interviews)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,986)
Top 100 Ways To Make A Mountain Out Of A Molehill

Monday, March 23, 2009

World 'Carry On Doing Exactly As You Always Do' Day 2009

Today, as anyone who exists will know, is World ‘Carry On Doing Exactly What You Always Do’ Day, and re:Spectacle would like to take this chance to encourage you to do your bit by getting the f*ck out there and living your day-to-day lives as normally as possible!

Last year was the most successful year ever, with literally billions of people across the globe taking part: schools and universities around the world held learning classes on a variety of different subjects, local councils opened up public areas to all, and many adults donated a whole day of work in a fantastic effort to raise money for themselves and their families.

(Eager Participants @ CODEWYAD 2008)


We’ve already had messages streaming in from people who are doing a great job being themselves in and around the London area. Here are a few of the choice ones to help you get motivated on this not even remotely special day!

Hi guys! Just got to work. Probably going to leave around 5pm when I finish. Keep up the good work everyone!
Mike, Brixton

I‘m outside my house right now. Looking around I can see there are some other people outside too. About an average amount I’d say. I should be inside as soon as I unlock the door and turn the handle. CODEWYAD 2009 looks like it’s shaping up to be the most normal yet!
Jane, Blackheath

Got off to a bad start today – couldn’t remember if I normally had Shreddies or Ricicles for breakfast! Luckily I remembered just in time and everything has gone normally since then. No more fantastic than usual!
Sandeep, Kilburn

Av just stolen dis phone. Dats my 3d 1 dis week. Safe.
Big V, Reppin East Sides.

Bling Crosby

re:Style - Metro or Homo?

As always we let the re:Spectacle style counsellor decide…

This Week: Architecture

Always needs everything to be inch-perfect? Agonises for hours getting the look just right? From precise measurements to perpetual modifications, you just can’t get more metrolicious than something which screams ‘the public can’t see me until I’m ready!’

Verdict: wont go anywhere without foundation

(click for more Metro or Homo?)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,987)
Top 100 Most Significant Font Sizes

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Sunday, March 22, 2009

"Through The Pint Glass": The Essential Guide To Being A Lad - Part 1

Stella or bitter? Donner or chicken shish? Ruddy or bloody?

Spare a thought for the modern lad.

This is just an example of 3 typical dilemmas he faces every minute of every day. In times of global recession and an ever growing gap between the lad-rich and the lad-poor, maintaining an au naturel ladly aura can be a daunting task for the uninitiated.

Luckily for you p*ssies, re:Spectacle is here with its team of SuperladsTM (est 1278) to guide you through some common scenarios...


Picture This:

You’re late for the match, en-route, all alone and without a ruddy beer to hand. Not only that, but word has got out that last weekend you didn’t manage to finish your après-fight kebab so you’re in serious need of some ladpoints. Well, stick with re:Spectacle and we’ll soon get you out of this terrible pickle.

As we all know, Beer invented Football. They are the ultimate partnership: Football is the loving wife who waits home for Beer and looks after the kids, Violence and Racism, while he’s out doing what the f*ck he pleases, and nothing will ever change that. As a result of this divine partnership, the options available to a lad in transit racing against the Sky Sports clock can be widely split into 2 categories – drinking and other. We’ll take the most difficult first.

Driving

By far the worst method of transport is driving, and it basically boils down to damage limitation, so if you ever find yourself in this situation for god’s sake get talksport on and play it loud. If it’s not already a radio preset of yours it looks like we got to you too late, so stop reading this now and please click here. For the rest of you, the lads at the pub will want to know why you’re late for the bloody big one so keeping up to date with the score is the least you could do to maintain your rep.

And remember: it’s always the bloody big one.

As far as actual driving goes, typical lad standards still apply so aim for an average speed of at least 10mph above what you assume the local speed limit to be. Take care not to actually notice any speed limit signs and please, for the love of Christ, remember to undertake erratically, change lanes without indication and keep the revs high.

If your car’s an automatic you may as well forget about the match and concentrate on grabbing a Panini en-route to your pilates class.

Upon arrival dump your car where it will be safe for at least the next 48 hours. This is the big one, remember? If you were planning on sticking to a few Britvics before promptly slinking back home in the gaywagon you arrived in you should have stayed at home to browse through your extensive thong collection in front of Sex & the City.

Drinking.

If you’re one of the few fortunate lads who have been graced with a reliable local public transport system covering all the bases (the local, an offie and your humble abode) then well done: you are in what we call a “drinkable situation”. But be aware, this is no lighthearted option or casual possibility - this is a god given right. In fact, assuming there is sufficient opportunity (3mins+), en-route drinking is nothing less than your moral duty as a lad, and abstinence would be second only to self-castration so you’d better drop by the nearest offie at all costs and earn those fleshy little balls of yours.

In today’s globalised economy, with such a vast selection of beers available in even the most modest of licensed vendors, it might prove difficult to spot the Stella. But it’s there alright. It’s always there. Now you’re back on your way with beers – good start – but don’t go spoiling it by clumsily unfurling your headphones to keep up to pace with the footie - there’s bigger fish to fry. The modern day lad is under immense pressure, and the competition so stiff, that whilst talksport is a necessary part of sober en-route protocol it pales into insignificance in the face of the colossal returns attainable through public drinking. Have you ever seen someone portray the rowdy lad on a train whilst intently keeping up to date with the football on a personal radio?

That question was intended to be rhetorical and I will therefore ignore its existence completely.

The fact is there are far more lad points to be picked up in the field of public drinking alone than in any other field - including spouse abuse - so until you finally set foot in that ladhole where football and beer cavort with each other in blissful unity you should reduce all football related functions down to unpredictable smatterings of aggressive chants. This will leave you free to concentrate on public nudity, widespread intimidation, casual sexual harassment and a constant flow of lad cordial all the way to the ruddy pub.

Result.

Bob Crunkhouse

(click for more "Through The Pint Glass")

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,988)
Top 100 'Top 10s' (Of All Time)

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Suburban Dictionary

'Bibbling'

The act of leaving the rear door of you car less than 60% ajar at a car boot sale. Often frowned upon.

e.g. 'Grab the kids will you Susan, we're going to move the car. The family next to us are bibbling again.'

(click for more Suburban Dictionary)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,989)
Top 100 Most Abrasive Watch Straps

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Friday, March 20, 2009

re:Wind - Diary of Young Jeezy: "Ain't Nuttin But a Gangsta Menagé - The Tour" - PART 1

Sunday 1st March: re:Spectacle first interview with Lord Jeezy of Thuggsville

The Dorchester, London

14:23

I enter the hotel lobby still feeling the excesses of last night's after show party which, according to my blurred memory, primarily consisted of snorting lines of Cristal off naked strippers and a seemingly never-ending supply of NoCo Limes. The doorman greets me and, spotting my Press Pack pass, directs me straight to the presidential suite on the 23rd floor. This is one interview too X rated for Lizo and crew…

As I enter the palatial surroundings of Jeezy's suite I'm greeted by the sight of Chedda-Boy, close companion and chart topping krunk star in his own right, puffing on a large Cuban and also smoking a cigar.

"Yo foo'. Jeezy dun be dat way'" his deep Southern accent slurs, mouth half full, pointing me in the direction of the next room. I bounce through with all the excitement of a young reindeer on Christmas Eve eve.

Jeezy is sat on the balcony scribbling furiously in his rhymepad. He greets me with a typically warm embrace and remarks,

"Dat dun be some crazy sheezy last night son!"

I congratulate him on the success of the opening night, and more importantly for introducing me to the joys of inhaling vintage champagne. With the formalities out of the way, we take a seat on the balcony basking in the glorious warmth of a March hail storm.

PS: So Jeezy, opening night of the tour last night and, according to an independent focus group, it went off something crazy rotten! How was it for you?

YJ: Yeah man I dun heard nuff rumours about the Old Sl*t and Bucket, nuff rumours. Dat venue be off the hinge baby boy! Crowd be mad ill and ting. Like a damn nurses room at junior school up in that piece!

PS: You've managed to combine a global tour with extensive charity work as part of your role as Goodtings Ambassador for the UN. Which specific causes are closest to your heart?

YJ: Whatever son, all of them. Jeezy dun already wants to make it coo' for all his international bredrins.

PS: You and C-Boy are currently signed to L'il Jacob's Murk Dem Killa records and have already worked with the majority of the genre's most iconic and innovative producers. Who's left out there on the scene still on your hitlist?

YJ: Son, one thing I dun learnt is the krunk script is like a pancake - it be constantly flipped. At the moment I'm workin on some new shizzle produced by Dr Dutt and featuring Sean-a-Paul, which dun been my dream since forever! The Doc's a legend, I remember bumping his radio show on Coo' 43 FM up in the projects as a kid. Other than dat I'm really feelin that Chino XL shizzle right now. Big up my boy LB on dat tip!

PS: You touched briefly on your youth growing up in the gritty projects of Bolton, Atlanta and listening to Dr Dutt with your contemporaries. How have those experiences framed your lyrics and style?

YJ: Thug life son, that be the only platinum and diamond encrusted frame for my lyrical content. My stee-lo? Breds dun be biting like a coy carp, but lest they forget we been rocking the coo' cas garms in Bolton since back in the day.

Jeezy's tour manager, Felipe, politely informs us that there is enough time for 1 more question before he has to head off as guest of honour at the launch of a new recycling depot in Bracknell.

PS: Jeezy it's been great to catch up with you today - thanks for your time. Can you give your fans a little taste of what to expect for the rest of the tour?

YJ: Sheezy son - BIG TINGS! Some proper baller-as* sh*t each and every night! You best stick with my boy ill Philly-Phil for dat daisy fresh sh*t!

And just like that Jeezy plus entourage of 48 depart the room. In a 7 min 12 second interview the legend opens up just enough to get you interested, but leaves you screaming for more like an opiate-addicted Busta Rhymes.

TBC….

Phillustrious Schofield

(click for more Young Jeezy Tour Diary)
(click here to see more re:Wind)

re:Verse - Neoetry

French articulationista Jean-Paul-George Ringeau is a multi-award-winning phrasician who just happens to have a pre-warmed seat on the board of literary cool at re:Spectacle. Each week, the man the world knows as the ‘Grammar-Head Sharque’ sneaks us a filthy glimpse through the peep-hole of poetic prowess as he brings to our attention some of hottest word-smut from the alternative poetry scene.

This week, a selection of the most cucumber-temped ‘graphs from the ‘S’words in the Stone’ club in Faceborough:

Fidgety Tactile

I'm Fine

I hate myself.
I love myself.
I hate myself.
I love myself
I cannot decide.
What do you think?
I do not care.

Nips

From out of the brain came a song.
Could I imagine it?
From out of the mouth came a word.
Could I taste it?
From out of the heart came a feeling.
I am numb.


Jestl-Pan Offenkocker

Die, Crow, Die

A solitary blade of grass
Alone since the fire
The fire

A lonely child
Orphaned by the fire
The fire

The fire

The fire

New life from whence nothing was

No A Ho Say

I am the swollen palms of life
I am willing to accept a world of strife
I do not clean behind my ears
I have not done so for many years

I forgot to tell you about my face
I like your fastness, your excellent pace
I am fond of underwear with lace
I would like to cuddle you.
Embrace.

(click for more Neoetry)
(click here to see more re:Verse)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,990)
Top 100 Ways To Skin A Cat

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Thursday, March 19, 2009

re:Port - Setanta Viewers Left 'Shocked' After Sherwood Gaffe

The world of Football punditry was embroiled in yet another faux-pas fury last night when ex-Spurs stallion Tim Sherwood made reference to a brutal sex act during a live broadcast on Setanta Sports.

Commenting on a rash tackle made by Northwich Victoria's Ryan Brown on Wrexham's Mike Williams, Sherwood exclaimed: "He's literally pushed him on the floor, parted his bum cheeks and rammed home his massive throbbing member. He's not stopped there. He's pulled out, flipped reversed it and unloaded his love muck all over his ever-gaping mouth hole.'"

Coming just days after Alan Pardew’s now infamous 'rape' gaff, viewers were said to be 'appalled' and 'shocked but, embarrassingly, slightly aroused' after the comments were broadcast live on air.

At time of press Setanta were investigating 30 complaints, but this figure is widely expected to rise to 8523 as viewers who have been retrospectively offended will call in to register their dismay.

Tim Sherwood has refused to comment on the outburst.

Jon Bon Jovial


True as F*ck

Did you know that...

...Nicole Kidman is named after Nicole Albert, the famous Australian comedienne who was exiled in 1963 for blinding a frog with a broken spoon?

(click for more True as F*ck)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,991)
Top 100 Safest Things To Do On The Gaza Strip
(click for more 'Top 100s')

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

re:Play - PROMOTION - PR1EST

re:Spectacle is more than proud to invite some of you to the grand opening of:

PR1EST…the first ever clergy-only nightclub in the world!

Playing only the latest Biship-Bishop choons, and serving the blood of Christ until 6am, PR1EST will open its large oaken doors for the very first time on Easter Sunday. It’s sure to be a religious experience, so make sure you don’t miss out on this holy fantastic event!

See flyer below for details...

Bling Crobsy

(click on the images to enlarge)


Suburban Dictionary

'Merlwhat'

An embarrassing social faux-pas at a wine and cheese evening.

e.g. 'Honestly Sebastian, it was a simply mortifying Merlwhat - I thought the Sauvignon Blanc was a Shiraz!

(click for more Suburban Dictionary)

Countdown: The Top One Million 'Top 100s' (Of All Time)

(No. 999,992)
Top 100 Most Adorable Shin Pads

(click for more 'Top 100s')

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

re:Style - Makeover Special

Ever feel like youve lost your desire to va-va-voom the mi-mi-masses?


Ever feel a bit, well, fat? (thats right, we tell sh*t like it IS, yo)


Do not fear.


re:Spectacle is here to tickle your fancy with all manner of make-over madness.


Felicity Newfunk is a happy, well rounded bitch with two kids (Juan-Antonio and Deepak) and successful banker husband, Terrance. The Newfunks live in affluent rural Wainshire. Without any visuals, this all sounds rather nice, dunt it?


BOOOM.


















Shes slightly overweight.


Due to Felicitys overwhelming morbid obesity, re:Spectacle is doing whats good and Christian and stepping the f*ck in to right this wrong.


We put Felicity on a training regime used by the likes of Stefsheen Malano and Honey Wingood. The ins and outs of the Chaucer Technique are guarded secrets, but its pretty clear from the results that it works good. Real good. Like a diligent little soul they have in a Primark factory.


















Look at that visage. Hark at her frontal facial ambience. Weep with joyous frivolity when taking a sideways glance at her eyebrow shape.


Shortly after the treatment was complete, Felicity started a new life. Gone are the shackles of her ever-demanding children. Long forgotten are the chains of her previous marriage. Felicity is now avec-agent and looking for work on reality shows worldwide.


In the words of Gordon Ramsey, re:Spectacle DONE.